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Sunday, June 29th, 2003
6:55 am - Yes, I'm alive.
But barely. Some of Irmo's toys are just dangerous. He said he never uses the special ones on mortals, though. Not since the time with the seven dwarfs, I think. That must have been messy.

My secretary told me that my siblings are being cloned. Again. Introduce yourselves, fuckers. It's common courtesy. Am I cloned? Again? I hope she isn't ugly, if I have been. Is Vána dead yet? What's on TV? Did Daddy say anything important? I should probably make him a hoagie or something.

Never mind. I'm going to take a nap.

current mood: bored

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Thursday, December 5th, 2002
11:22 pm - Le sigh.
Daddy's sacred hoagies, I'm bored. People think it's all glamour and glitz and power being a Vala, but really, the novelty wears off after the first few Ages. And Valinor is so crowded these days. Once upon a time, it was only open to elves and Maiar and Really Special People, mostly the ones who dedicated a good length of time to melting down evil rings. Since the middle of the Fourth Age or so, though, everyone and their mother can just hop a boat and come over whenever it strikes their fancy. Now everywhere you turn there's a resort or a convenience store or a hobbit; the place has just lost a lot of its magic. It's no fun floating around and being grand when you have to keep a lookout for halflings shagging in the bushes (they're easy to trip over).

Most of my family keeps pretty quiet these days, too. There's hardly anyone to argue or watch Star Trek with anymore. Manwë and I keep busy with drugs typical High King and Queen work, and I have some nice Maiar to keep me company, but no one's made a tree sprout out of my forehead in ages. I feel almost homesick.

Maybe I'll go see if Irmo wants to play Twister or something. He says he really likes this body.

current mood: bored

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Sunday, September 22nd, 2002
5:21 pm - Warning: Canon Slaughter
"Ok, here. Ham on rye with mayo. Changing into what?"

"Thank you, princess. Where're Eru's chips?"

"............ :dramatic sigh: :snaps fingers: There. Big Grab Fritos. Now then, changing. into. WHAT?!!!"

"Go look in the mirror, princess."

"............................... :SCREAM OF TERROR:"

"Talk to your husband, kiddo."

So I stalked around until I found Manwë ironing my lingerie. His answers were evasive at best, and he kept trying to distract me by trying to get me to try on some new dresses he picked up somewhere in Modern Earth, though for which of us they were originally bought I can't be sure. He was much more cooperative when I pinned him up against the wall. :)

:clears throat: At the dawn of time, Eru created the Valar. Manwë came before me, and when I came into being, Ilúvatar pushed me towards him and said, "Get along, kids. I have plans for you two." And Manwë spake unto Ilúvatar, "Daaaaddyyy, if you won't let me wear the Yves St. Laurent evening wear, will you let Varda?" And Eru said, "Ah, fuck," and waved his hand, and I was transformed. And the Valar sang and grew and built, and my transformation was maintained by the power of Ilúvatar. Until the day that Ilúvatar decided to fuck off to Rivendell, and he handed the responsibility of my maintenance to Manwë.

And then he forgot all about it. >________< Theoretically, I turn back when we get our powers back. Theoretically.

I need a drink.

current mood: bitchy

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1:50 pm - Gah
"Daddy, I feel weird."

"Make me a sandwich, princess."

"No, really, Daddy, something's wrong. I've felt strange since you took away our powers."

"You're probably just changing back. Now where's my sandwich?"

"Changing back to WHAT?!"

"Talk to Mannie, he's the one who asked for it."

"Asked for WHAT?!!!!"

"Ooh, Matlock is on."

"ALSKDJFALKSDJFKLASDLKJFADFASKLDJFAKLSDJFAKLSDJFA"

"Whoa. Take some of this here ValaValium, sweetie, you'll feel right as rain."

".......... >____<"

"Ham on rye, princess. Heavy on the mayo. Get to it."

current mood: uncomfortable

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Friday, August 23rd, 2002
1:26 am - Muns lie.
The day my favourite big brother in the whole world and all of Eä, except for the one I married, disappeared into the void like a bad plotline, I fell into a deep depression and immersed myself in a 45-hour "Dragnet" marathon with Daddy to forget my woes. Unfortunately, I went into a coma after the 10th hour. That's where I've been. Don't ask questions.

Anyway, after I woke up, I was still depressed, and Manwë was feeling kind of guilty and sad after destroying the indigenous population of a small tropical island with a hurricane during a fit of anger when he thought the garden gnomes were attacking the plastic flamingos in the front lawn, so we decided to withdraw to Taniquetil for an extended vacation from physical presence in Middle-Earth. But then Manwë ran out of his special stamps and Daddy wanted another sandwich, so we gave up that plan and had some fun redecorating Mordor with pink azaleas.

I got bored up on the mountain and rearranged the stars just enough to fuck with everyone's horoscopes. I had them all written out for tomorrow, but then my computer crashed and my restoration spells aren't working. I debated rewriting them, but then I decided, hell, that trash can will blow up whether or not the Sagittarius knows about it beforehand, so why bother?

Now, then. Good night.

current mood: busy

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Friday, August 16th, 2002
4:21 pm - Now my mun can use these icons for her OWN account. Yay for her.
Well, I'm bored. Daddy keeps fading in and out of late-night TV-induced comas, my siblings have nearly all fucked off, and all Manwë and I do lately is smoke and drink chocolate milk. So we're going home and going up to his old throne-thing on Taniquetil and back to our old canonical lives as The King and Queen of Arda. Have a nice life, puppies. Bye bye.

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Monday, May 20th, 2002
6:01 pm
Early this morning, I wandered into my office, conjured a latte and settled onto a long yellow sofa with my pretty little handmaid, sitting at the other end with a laptop balanced on her knees. I handed her a latte and told her to read off the week's To Do list. She raised the cardboard coffee cup and tapped it.

"The lawsuit against Starbucks, for one. Manufacture of horrendous coffee under the seal of a Vala and the image of a Maia."

"Later."

"There's also this canon-reversion thing going on. It's that Jackson twat's fault, apparently."

"Fuck that. He didn't see fit to include a single 'Ah Elbereth' in the first movie, and have you read the dialogue in the Silmarillion? Not happening."

She nodded. "Amen, milady."

"Anything else?"

"I don't kn--" She kept scrolling. "Oh. Your brother's secretary's kids are still with spiderchick."

"Right, right, Denethor's Italics Twins. I have an idea for that. Give Aulë a call for me this afternoon, I'll need his help."

"Ok, but what happened to non-intervention?"

I waved the question away. "I have my reasons. He's certainly not going to get any help from any of the other Valar. It's a favor for Nám, in part. Anyway, dear..." I tied off the end of the constellation I'd been weaving. "Never pass up the opportunity to insert references to bizarre British cinema into an angstline."

current mood: peaceful

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4:22 pm - Canon
.... damn it.

Ok.

:is canonical:

:shines a lot:

:is codependent with Manwë:

:scares Melkor:

:listens to elves sing and take her name in vain:

... Right. That was a big change.

current mood: canonical

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Friday, April 26th, 2002
1:23 pm - elfbabies
In the most current news, Nienna and Ulmo are getting married. But you probably knew that by now. Still, yay! We haven't had a Valar wedding in 25,000 years, which is a pity considering all of the plant life the average Valië generates in a single footstep.

In less publicised news, the elf that Melkor impregnated during his little power trip now has two healthy twin baby boys. Tess had already been a great help to the people affected by Melkor's ego trip, and since the rest of my family and I spent so many thousands of years cleaning up Melkie's messes, I felt obligated to pitch in as well.

Celeborn's fiancé is a supplicant of mine, so he called me for help in getting the undoubtedly uncomfortable male pregnancy out of the way. I gave him pills to compress the growth into about two and a half days. And morphine. Lots of morphine. Manwë helped with the drugs. (They're all clean, I swear.)

This morning, Tess and I went over to their house for the, er, 'removal.' Of course, every bloody elf on the way started the 'A Elbereth Gilthoniel' whatnot and gaped at the sight of two Valië walking around in jeans. (Casual Friday.) Celeborn had the same reaction, but Estë put two fingers to his forehead and said, "Sleep," before he could start singing. Glorfindel was pacing around and prattling on and acting like a nervous, expectant father from a bad movie, so in the end we had to tranquilize him, too. Tess and I took a baby each, concentrated briefly, and seconds later heard two cries from the crib we had set up beside us. I looked the babies over to count fingers and toes and Estë did her medical thing, fixing whatever alterations or damages Melkor's anatomical meddling might have caused in the elf's body.

Then we took a moment to coo and giggle over the babies. Babies are sooo cute. :D
"Eeee! Look, he yawned!"
"Awww, cute! ... Was that a yawn?"
"I think so."
"Cute, anyway."
"Yeah."
"Ooh, let's be their patron Valar. Or matron Valier. Um... you know what I mean."
"Ok, yay!!"
"You know, they really do look like Winston Churchill."
"Who?"

I lifted the enchantment from Glorfindel, who blinked dazedly at us, and then at the babies we were still holding. "That's it?" He meant the birth itself, I assume.
"Yup."
"Cool. They're ok?"
I handed him Baby One (five seconds older than Baby Two). "They're fine. Two boys, all intact. And pretty."
He looked down at Celeborn, who was still unconscious. "Is he ok?"
Tess nodded. "Yeah, he'll just be sore for a few hours. And no breasts, don't worry. We brought baby formula!" She was still bouncing.
I nodded at the elf on the couch. "Tess, maybe you should wake him up."
"Oh! Right." He gradually came to, shook his head, looked down at his stomach and jumped.
"What the...?!" Estë handed him Baby Two.
"They're on the outside now!" she bubbled.

We left the two of them to gather their wits.

I think Tess wants a baby now.

current mood: accomplished

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Saturday, April 20th, 2002
12:45 pm
Apologies to anyone who seemed to have developed a sudden case of asthma in the past few days. Manwe has been holding his breath.





(Not to worry, though; I've taken away all of his "special stamps.")

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Tuesday, April 16th, 2002
3:23 am - Huh.
He looks high. What a shock.

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Sunday, April 14th, 2002
2:53 pm - Accent mark problems
Oh, fuck. This is not a good time to be a Vala. >_<

(And damn it, there's a lot of profiles that need fixing.)

On the plus side, you can now list interests like "manwë" without having them converted to "manwe." This also means that, for the moment, a lot of Valar names in my interests list are unshared. :P

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Friday, April 12th, 2002
7:46 pm - not again...
MELKOR.

TELL me that THIS is a joke.

Or, at the very least, tell me that he had nothing to do with it.

current mood: stressed

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Saturday, April 6th, 2002
4:33 am - Attn: Mortals
The Valar are sick of fixing up your shit. We are not your fairy godmothers. We are also sick of your adolescent moaning about our involvement, until the moment you want a new body or something rebuilt. My sister, Yavanna, Queen of the Earth, has wisely and justifiably withdrawn her services. The rest of the Valar, after a brief but decisive discussion (centered primarily around the phrase "fuck this"), have decided to do the same.

We cleaned up after the flood because the destruction was the fault of a Maia and a cloud-burping spider, not a crazed, egotistical mortal, and the damage was cataclysmic, impossible for mortals to repair. Vanna put the fires out in Rohan because she had made a prior committment to provide aid. We offered protection during the war because the deluded mortal thought that he was somehow declaring war on the gods and it seemed appropriate to extend some support. (Mortal foolishness cocked that up for Minas Tirith, alas. I cannot emphasize this enough--- stop trusting evil people. You people never learn.)

But now, children, clean up your own mess.

I remain Elbereth Gilthoniel and will continue to watch over the children of Iluvatar, and my brothers and sisters remain at their respective traditional posts. The female Valar remain fiercely protective of Elrohir and we will fuck up with extreme prejudice anyone who messes with this little girl or tries to disrupt the wedding tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Varda Elentari
High Queen of Arda

current mood: tired

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Thursday, April 4th, 2002
9:45 pm
Denethor announces that Bree is destroyed and that only Mordor Pizza Express is left standing.

I apologize to whomever might have lived in that town, though I'm not sure which it could have been.

Because, you see, Bree doesn't have a Mordor Pizza Express. Their branch was closed and converted into a RohirriMart.

Which was why Sauron instigated the orc attack on the city. Sauron was too embarassed to reopen the branch.

An attack on Bree, under Valar protection, would be rather difficult. Denethor's forces would be free to roam within the city limits, but the moment they lifted a finger with harmful intent, they would begin to melt in a ghastly death ala Raiders of the Lost Ark. Messy, but effective.


--
Note to ALL under Valar guard: Do NOT leave your protected areas. Beyond your borders, protection cannot be guaranteed. Those who send forces out as a resistance to defend the rest of Middle-earth from Denethor's minions have our blessing but not, I'm afraid, our direct intervention. (Battlefield miracles excluded.)

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8:36 pm - Varda's list
Groups, people and locations under protection after the appeals under last post:

  • Everyone in Rivendell was already perfectly safe, since the Almighty is still watching Dukes of Hazzard there.
  • Rohan and its denizens and omnivorous dinosaurs (Vanna had you covered already)
  • Sporkdor is under the protection of Tess
  • Minas Tirith and Gondor in general
  • Bree
  • Tolman Gamgee
  • Lindon
  • Timultyland and especially Chomsky Sauron

    Manwe's eagles are protected, of course, and others have appealed directly to patron Valar who are covered but not listed here.
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    7:07 pm - time to petition, children
    Now that this psycho has decided to declare war on the Valar by covering the land in a Second Darkness, many of you are in danger. Unfortunately, Valar aren't in the business of unsolicited interference in Middle-earth conflicts and destruction. We do however wish to extend our services to those who desire divine protection, since the bastard did declare war on us.

    This is an open invitation to political figureheads and regional leaders to appeal to the Valar. Service will be provided to anyone unaffiliated with the freaky Egyptian guy's efforts. Anyone with past connections may sever them publicly and petition the gods as well.

    Those with patron Valar are guaranteed protection, but individuals that wish to extend their coverage to family or friends may also submit requests.

    One of the fourteen's services will be immediately dispatched, and others will come in as needed.

    current mood: rushed

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    Thursday, March 28th, 2002
    12:56 pm - it never stops.
    A note for these two stoners...

    BOYS. THIS is not funny. Comic relief is nice, but freaking out the denizens is not. Most of them have just been kicked out of Mandos and all of them just came an inch away from being obliterated by Oompa Loompas. You may think this is funny now, but remember when you thought it would just be HILARIOUS to release Ricky Martin in Middle-earth? Remember?!

    Don't play dumb with me, either. I had Vai check the tapestries. No more plucking freaky kids out of alternate dimensions. Understood?


    Now, put him back or fix his goddamn eye. I don't care. Just get him to shut up about M.E. v.3.0's apocalypse.

    current mood: frustrated

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    Monday, March 25th, 2002
    2:02 pm - AAAAARRRRRRGH
    Reconstruction is only half-finished, the Halls of Mandos are STILL in chaos and MY HUSBAND IS IN ANOTHER FUCKING COMA.

    If I could die, I'd kill myself.

    current mood: stressed

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    2:25 am - heh
    I'll say this much: There's nothing like an apocalyptic flood and its resulting damage to bring a family together.

    current mood: tired

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